Ageing is a fact of life. When you think of your parents, the idea of them being cape-wearing superheroes is ingrained from a young age. But that doesn’t last forever. As children become adults, parents grow old – and with that golden status can come changes in dynamics, needs, and relationships.
Adults with ill or ageing parents aren’t uncommon, and neither are the ways they cope, some of which can lead to significant relationship shifts. Moreover, many people caring for elderly parents struggle to keep pace with their work and family lives. Of course, this varies, but it’s still important to address and navigate the emotions stemming from the shift in the parent-child dynamic.
Address & Accept The Role Reversal
As a parent ages, the child may take the role of a caretaker – the opposite dynamic to what it always has been. For some, it can be challenging for the now-adult child to accept that their parent depends on them. Still, it’s possible to navigate that role reversal and maintain a healthy relationship for both child and parent.
Communication is critical, and being physically and emotionally available is necessary, especially since it’s not uncommon for elderly adults to isolate themselves as they age. It doesn’t have to be complicated; a daily phone or video call to check in, popping in for half an hour to visit them a couple of times a week, and offering to help them with tasks like grocery shopping or laundry not only help the ageing parent but also strengthen the relationship.
As Signature Care Homes in Highgate explains, fostering independence for as long as possible is important – but as parents age, that independence may decline, which is when specialist care for older adults can be a necessary support. The children of ageing parents can only do so much, after all.
Essentially, whether adult children choose to seek support and care for their parents or not, accepting and engaging with the role reversal creates a fresh dynamic within the relationship that, through nurturing, can fruit into a healthy, strong parent-child connection – but one that’s significantly different from how it was before.
Approaching Responsibility
Evolving parent-child relationships often command lifestyle changes; for example, increased visits and travel to medical appointments or care homes, or even living with the ageing parent. In some cases, financial support is needed to help care for elderly parents, particularly if they suffer from illnesses or disabilities.
As greater responsibilities appear, further lifestyle changes, shifts in focus, and more expenses can emerge. Hence why a one-stop approach to caring for an older parent isn’t the solution; it’s constantly evolving as they age and their complex needs change. That’s where creating a budget for expenditure, undertaking advanced planning for the parent’s needs over the years, and collaborating with other family members and siblings are essential.
It’s important to share the workload and responsibility of caring for elderly parents; if only one sibling or family member does it all (or the vast majority), feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration can arise – not to mention exhaustion.
Acknowledging & Accepting The Feelings of Loss
The harsh reality of ageing means parents become less available while (potentially) demanding more from you. As an elderly parent declines physically and/or emotionally, the effects on the child are apparent; they see their parent as less capable and less engaged. The changes in this vision of one’s parent can lead to grief due to feelings of loss.
However, accepting one’s parents as they are enables one to grieve how they were. Calibrating how you relate and engage with them is the key to accepting emotions and maintaining a strong yet adaptable parental relationship as they age.