Anxiety, its probably one of those things you never think you’ll suffer with or understand very well.
I know I didn’t but surprisingly 13% of adults in the UK will suffer with it in their lifetime.
At the moment I am living with it and I want to share what it’s like so you know the signs and can get help and advice when you need it. For me it has had a massive impact on who I am and how I behave over the last few months.
Before I wouldn’t say I was really confident but I wasn’t a wallowing flower either, if I didn’t agree with you or like how something was being done I would tell you. I wasn’t afraid of confrontation and voicing my opinion however things have changed.
It hasn’t happened overnight, I didn’t wake up the morning after the accident and feel like I do today. In fact the morning after the accident I was still in denial about how poorly I actually was.
The day we had our accident I was suffering with shock, I couldn’t think or do anything really. Every time I spoke I just cried and went to bed that night with a stonking headache and neck ache but me being typically stubborn put it down to stress. Then the whole event of A & E happened and its been a roller coaster since then.
I’m becoming a bit of a hermit, I like the comfort of my 4 walls and would prefer to stay here unless I really need to go out. I know it’s not healthy and I know it’s something I need to face and I am. With my doctors advice I challenge myself daily. A trip to the shop or a coffee in town. It’s actually funny to think about a conversation I had with the doctor before Christmas as she congratulated me on going to Asda on my own, that is how bad things had got. When I step out and things are out of my control I can feel the panic rising. My heart rate starts to rise, I feel light headed and my chest starts to tighten. Not to mention I get snappy!
I can’t sleep… I could be asleep on my feet but the moment the light goes out and my head hits the pillow, I’m awake again. I find myself replaying the accident, working out what might have happened or simply replaying the day over. Eventually I dose off for another restless nights sleep.
I’m on edge and am grumpy… 90% of the time! Anyone that knew me before the accident would vouch for me being a whirlwind, never stopping always on the go. Now I can’t get going at all and feel like I’m in a bit of a rut. I’ve closed the shoe shop, quit Made For Mums and just have the blog left. I just need some oomph and I’m struggling to find it.
However Monday I return to work, how am I feeling? A bit of a mixture of emotions really. I can see me turning a little corner on the path to “normality” however I’m disappointed that with my time I’ve been at home I’ve not been well enough to really make the most of the kids. They are growing up so fast and I feel like I’ve lost 3 months of their childhood. I’m also panicking about returning to work, I’m not sure if I’m ready yet. I don’t want people to ask me questions, I don’t want conversations nor do I want them to ask me if I’m alright. I’m not yet, I’m still on a very long path to recovery and feel like I’m a long way from the end.
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